Countdown has started, Marsh. It has been confirmed that I shall be returning to work next month. Not working forever didnt seem like an option. You are 14 months old already and I have stopped work for the last 7 months to care for you. I have been delaying the plan because I cant bear to leave you. Initially, I trusted on one to care for you.
I know I am going to miss you. Miss sleeping in late with you. Miss taking our own sweet time to eat. Miss catching the Hi Five show at noon. Miss cooking and bathing for you. Miss just being with you every hour of the day. Just the two of us.
Life with you fills me in a way that work never did. As I stuffed cereal and porridge into your bowed mouth, or race around the room maniacally doing all funny moves to get you to crack a smile, I revel in the slow pace of our life, the not doingness of it all.
I feel like a mother kangaroo now, not willing but have to take you out of my pouch. To life. But I am grateful to be able to witness your growth and developments and many of your 'firsts' in life. These precious moments have deeply registered in my memories. I would feel really cheated if I miss the opportunity to fuss and kvell over your milestones.
I didnt understand before, though others had tried to tell me, how much space mother's love takes up. How it makes my heart feel too big and clumsy to fit in my chest, and brings pools of happy tears in the corners of my eyes.
It is too soon to project how work will fit into my life with you now and how I can best balance both. Work pulls us in with its rewards of financial compensation, self esteem and intellectual and social stimulation. But I wont miss your life or mine in the race to get things done.
I imagine the flickering shape of our future, the dance routines and beach outings and music appreciations and the first taste of fondue and museums and swimming in every ocean on the planet. I see us smiling together.
This, I hope will keep me sane when I start work. Better than sane. Happy.
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I teared when I read this.. but I'm sure no matter what, you'll find time for litte Keri, somehow, someway! =)She's a very lucky girl.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steph. That means alot. I am trying my very best. :)
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