This cloud of Sadness

It has been a year since she left. As this day approaches, I dont know how it will be for me here on earth. It 's like I have this cloud hanging over my head and all of a sudden the sadness starts raining down on me.

Just one little peek into heaven, is all I am asking for today. I just want to know how's she doing in heaven. Is she playing majong with all the angels? Is she lonely? If you just let me look for a moment, to catch a glimpse of her smiling and kind face, I promise I wont try to take her away. I know, she 's in a better place. Just one little peek into heaven. Is all I am asking for today. I just want to know how is she doing. And heaven seems so far away.

How long must I wait till we meet again?

I miss you lots, grandma. Where are you?

Letting go

She would have been 91 today if she is still around. I still remembered the very cosy last birthday celebration we had for her last year. And I still remembered how it felt to hold her bony hands.

We visited her yesterday. To tell her we remembered her birthday. Tonight I let the tears flow and the memories spill. How else do you remember? I don't know.

I ask if she can hear me? If there is a heaven, will she be happy?

They say she will. It's the best for her. It's just time to let go. And I know it's true.

She 's gone now. She has become a piece of the blue sky. And I have to move on.

It helps to know she is no longer in pain.

But the point is- I had a grandma. I am sure I am going to see her again. But until then, our relationship continues

So goodbye, granny. You'll be happy up there. Won't you?


Farewell for now. I miss you lots. Oh yes, Happy Birthday........

My Grandmother

It has been more than a week since my last entry. I have no idea what to tell you. I guess I am not ready to accept the fact that my beloved granny had passed away on the 23rd May 2009. Around 4pm when both you and I were attending your second LNT's class.

Although the family has been told that her final day was near. I was still in denial when the news broke. My dearest granny. I miss her greatly. I cannot believe that she is gone.

I am still looking for a closure. But I cant find it anywhere. Not when I saw her on her deathbed, not when they were finally covering the coffin, also not when the coffin was slowing being push into the urn and definately not when I saw her ashes and bones the next day.

I then realised that there will never be a closure. She is my grandmother. And she will always live in my heart.

My Grandmother

Just came back from the nursing home. Your great grandma is in critical condition. My beloved grandma. Feel so sad when I saw her. I held her hands for some time and talked to her. Though she is unconscious, I know she knows I was there.

I want you to know our story.

She is the only grandmother I know in my life. We have been very closed. She stayed with us all her life till last year we put her in a nursing home so that she can get better care. She took care of your auntie Carol and me since young. She has always been a loving granny to us. She is the traditonal lady who has slogged her life for her family and very submissive to her husband. And she pampers her sons like all old ladies their generation did. The only vibe or recreation for her is her love for majong and cards (not poker cards but the old tradional chinese cards).

Nevertheless, after so many years of brain stimulation from the games, she is still not spared from getting dysmential at old age.

I remembered when she was placed in a rehab home 5 years ago for 2 weeks after she fell and broke her leg. I visited her everyday without fail. She told everyone at the home that I was her best grandchild and she knows I love her alot. I am so happy to hear that . I was always with her for all hospital visits and I will take her for outings at the beach and for lunches.

But I am feeling really guilty because I have not been spending alot of time with her for the recent two years. Too much has happened for the last 2 years. It has been a roller coaster 2 years for me. And it has been more downs than ups . The only sunshine is you. You are the only good thing that had happened to me since 2007 Sept.

However, she was getting older and weaker by the day. Her dsymential was worsening although she still recognises us. Til recently, the illness has gotten to the last stage and she is refusing food totally. The doctors had told us to be mentally prepared and make the decision. We have decided to let nature take its course. We will never be ready to let her go. It is a painful decision that has to be made.

Her name is Tew Juat Go. My Grandmother.

I wish you have a chance to know her.