26th August 2009 Wednesday
Brought you to see Dr Terence Tan for your one year assessment today. Thank goodness we were first in queue but we still waited for at least 30 mins because Dr Tan came late. Anyway, for the record, you are 74cm and 10.3 kg at 1 year old. Dr Tan said you are growing really well and has the perfect weight. As usual, Daddy and I have a list of questions for him.
You were all peppy and outgoing until you received the 2nd shot (Prevenar) and you started wailing. I was quite surprised you were oblivious to the first shot (Havirix) and was still engrossed in your 'Igloo-Igloo'. But overall, you are my brave little girl.
It is heart wrenching for all mothers to see their babies cry during vaccinations even though we know very well the importance and goodness of these jabs. This reminded me of the difficult period we went through last year when you were born.
It was heartbreaking for me to see you go through the numerous prickings (blood tests) and the times they administera suction tube down your nostrils to clear your nasal passage. I remembered holding on to you tightly so that you wont struggle and at the same time I was crying together with you. I was feeling really helpless and useless.The kind nurses would then coaxed me to wait outside the room but I insisted to hold on to you while they treated you. I would hold on to you and hoping to give you the little comfort that I could offer then. I kept whispering in your ear: Be Brave, my baby.
Looking back, I realised I was kind of mentally stressed out. I was still in confinement and I have got homones and exhaustion clouding both my mind and body.I felt guilty for letting you fall sick. I wasnt fully prepared for all this. Like Alice down in the rabbit hole, I was plunged into a new world, one with its own vocabulary and rules of order! The whole experience had made me feel as if I was failing as a parent right from the begining. I kept asking myself if I could have done something to prevent you from getting sick at such a tender age. Maybe perhaps we should have kept the visitors away, or I should have try harder to breasfeed you exclusively.
So it was with this baggage and experience that I entered motherhood, determined to do my best to raise a healthy baby. Unknown to many, I appeared to be one fussy mummy who is paranoid about issues like strict/ organic diet, avoid strangers/ crowds, everyone (and I MEAN EVERYONE) washes their hands before any interaction. I minimised the times you come out from the room (ROOM and not house) for the first 4 months of your life.
I have also since learned to accept this as part of motherhood. Your godma once told me: Falling sick is Nature's way of building Immunity. These words were really helpful to me during those darkest hours. It lifts off some of the guilt in me. But I am coping well now. I still clean your mouth and hands for infinate times a day but I am definately better.
You were still murking around while waiting for our turn at the clinic.
