That's more I can Do

Been a while.

Been busy.

I had lots to write, but I'm feeling baked today. And yesterday. And the day before. I yearned for a good cup of cuppa and a good book. And a scrummy scone. I wish I could sit down proper for a good piece of writing, but I am absorbed by fatigue and scattered thoughts.

For some reason, my recent busy schedule set off a tiny ripple of thoughts in me. I had grand plans to complete your photobook, to bake you yogurt muffins, to sew you a dress, to read you more books, to keep dancing with you.

I now stew in my own guilt.

The days passed into evenings too quickly these days. I haven't sew. I haven't bake. I haven't written. I haven't this. I haven't that. Too many haven'ts. I'm slush.

I want to do more. To be a better mummy. I must . And I will.

You have no idea how much I misses you at work. My heart yearns to rush home to see you. It never fails to brighten my day to hear and see your welcome yells and cheers whenever I am back home. And I 'd also match with a victory dance in tune with yours.

Dear Marshy, I am just as happy to see you too, you know? MaMa miss miss miss you too!

Burn on, Not burn Out!

A Toddler and a Day Job

Job description

Hours- Constant

Time Off-zilch

All food and entertainment provided by you

Must be good at athletes and home repairs and making mince interesting

Strictly no sick pay, No holiday pay, hell NO PAY!

Would you take the job?

My days are getting challenging as work picks up its tempo. By 9pm, I am either dead or more dead. Unfortunately, I'm not blogging as often as I'd like now because I am working full time and chasing after a 17 month old toddler who only functions on RUN.

I guess today is one of the days when I feel a grey as saturated as the sky outside. Maybe I need to just lie down.

I have no more strength. I am dizzy with contentedness.

But like all mums, I love my progeny with a primal passion. For every bad afternoon, there are ten superb afternoons. For every tantrum there is a cuddle. for every broken sleepless night, there is a walk in through the park on a wonderful day. For every crankiness, there is a stranger smile on the street.

I am happily busy and busy being happy.

But I need a rest. Even though I don't need to rest constantly. I need to break away from the routine so that my mind can rest.

It's break from all of this, to find my soul once again and get back in touch with what's important and meaningful.

I 'm supposed to be working. But I can't seem to do anything but scroll through your pictures. And you make everything better. My little cheer upper.

The perfect remedy for a work battered soul.

Neither Here nor There

It has been few weeks since I had gone back to work and many people wondered how did I cope after such a long break. Well, I am still struggling and trying to cope. I find myself caught in a gray zone between work and home. I cant envision going back full time to the work I once enjoyed. I am not the same woman anymore. Somewhere along the way I misplaced my persona, the one who brazened it out for all those years.

As a mother, I would never be able to be free to devote my total time and concentration to the work or anything else anymore. For the past 8 months, I had taken 'leave' from work and I stepped into the role of SAHM without auditioning for the part. You were my full time job. And I pared my once crammed schedule down to the essentials. I had plenty of time with you but now that I have gone back to work, my time had suddenly become more precious. I measured more acutely what I was getting out of work. I have become more productive and efficient. As a working mum, I cannot afford to be a procrastinator anymore.

On certain days I miss you so much at work and wish I am home with you. I was feeling so conflicted. I consoled myself thinking that being home doesnt always translate into being with your kids. Some SAHMs spend as much time at the gym, or the hairdressers/spas. They are home but emotionally distant. I should work on Quality time instead. But having said that, I know I am just being jealous. Jealous of those mothers who can choose to stay home with their little ones.

I miss you , my little baby. That's all.

The most important things in Life aren't things

Countdown has started, Marsh. It has been confirmed that I shall be returning to work next month. Not working forever didnt seem like an option. You are 14 months old already and I have stopped work for the last 7 months to care for you. I have been delaying the plan because I cant bear to leave you. Initially, I trusted on one to care for you.

I know I am going to miss you. Miss sleeping in late with you. Miss taking our own sweet time to eat. Miss catching the Hi Five show at noon. Miss cooking and bathing for you. Miss just being with you every hour of the day. Just the two of us.

Life with you fills me in a way that work never did. As I stuffed cereal and porridge into your bowed mouth, or race around the room maniacally doing all funny moves to get you to crack a smile, I revel in the slow pace of our life, the not doingness of it all.

I feel like a mother kangaroo now, not willing but have to take you out of my pouch. To life. But I am grateful to be able to witness your growth and developments and many of your 'firsts' in life. These precious moments have deeply registered in my memories. I would feel really cheated if I miss the opportunity to fuss and kvell over your milestones.

I didnt understand before, though others had tried to tell me, how much space mother's love takes up. How it makes my heart feel too big and clumsy to fit in my chest, and brings pools of happy tears in the corners of my eyes.

It is too soon to project how work will fit into my life with you now and how I can best balance both. Work pulls us in with its rewards of financial compensation, self esteem and intellectual and social stimulation. But I wont miss your life or mine in the race to get things done.

I imagine the flickering shape of our future, the dance routines and beach outings and music appreciations and the first taste of fondue and museums and swimming in every ocean on the planet. I see us smiling together.

This, I hope will keep me sane when I start work. Better than sane. Happy.