It has been few weeks since I had gone back to work and many people wondered how did I cope after such a long break. Well, I am still struggling and trying to cope. I find myself caught in a gray zone between work and home. I cant envision going back full time to the work I once enjoyed. I am not the same woman anymore. Somewhere along the way I misplaced my persona, the one who brazened it out for all those years.
As a mother, I would never be able to be free to devote my total time and concentration to the work or anything else anymore. For the past 8 months, I had taken 'leave' from work and I stepped into the role of SAHM without auditioning for the part. You were my full time job. And I pared my once crammed schedule down to the essentials. I had plenty of time with you but now that I have gone back to work, my time had suddenly become more precious. I measured more acutely what I was getting out of work. I have become more productive and efficient. As a working mum, I cannot afford to be a procrastinator anymore.
On certain days I miss you so much at work and wish I am home with you. I was feeling so conflicted. I consoled myself thinking that being home doesnt always translate into being with your kids. Some SAHMs spend as much time at the gym, or the hairdressers/spas. They are home but emotionally distant. I should work on Quality time instead. But having said that, I know I am just being jealous. Jealous of those mothers who can choose to stay home with their little ones.
I miss you , my little baby. That's all.
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